Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8
The first time I can remember hearing these verses was in a song but the words stuck with me through time. To everything there is a season and a purpose for us all. There is a reason for all that we go through. All the hurt, the anguish, the pain has a reason in the end times though we may never realize why while we are living this life.
Abuse is a real thing. It hurts through to your soul. You know it’s wrong, you realize it’s happening to you but when you are in it, you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to begin to escape, to get out, to move on. Fear freezes you into place and action becomes so far away that you don’t know how to find it.
For most of my life, I’ve lived in one abusive situation after another. I want to share them with you, to free myself from the secrets I’ve kept hidden all my life, but I cannot. Fear controls me. The fear that if I speak out against my abusers, somehow I will suffer from their retaliation, eventually. The fear of knowing that even though I am no longer in their possession, they still control my life.
Fear is a hard thing to let go of. It controls your life and leaves you debilitated. It takes away your ability to speak out, to move on, to stop others from affecting your life.
I am afraid of my past abusers. I’m afraid of the actions they can still take against me. I’m afraid of them controlling my life and with my fear I allow them that control still. They know it and so do I.
My abusers have moved on with their lives. They don’t fear me because they know they have me where they want me. They have moved on to new loves and new things while I still suffer from their hurt and their actions towards me in our past life. This is what those who are the ones that abuse others do, while those they hurt spend a lifetime suffering. I pray for their spouses, their children, their family that they may never know the life I experienced with them and if they do, they see it and find a way to get out.
I have been hit, screamed at, convinced I was the problem, told I was nothing, useless, hated. I have been told I’m ugly, hateful, disgraceful, unwanted. I have screamed back, begged, pleaded, allowed myself to be disgraced, been laughed at and harrassed. These things are the least of what has happened in my life.
Every day it’s a struggle to simply get out of bed without fear of which one of them is coming at me next. I’m in therapy because of their actions. I’m finding my strength again and creating a new life for myself and my children. I’m healing myself and I’m healing my children from the hurt they’ve experienced. Rebuilding our lives for the best and showing my children their Mother is stronger than the Evil she’s endured.
In this season, our lives are starting over. There is so much that you don’t know but the past is the past and the future is yet to come. Pray for me, as I pray for you and we shall all come through as God intends, stronger for His Purpose and Glory than we could have ever imagined in the end.
In this season, I have chosen to start fresh. I will be changing our blog name and setting it up to redirect to our new URL. We have a new home, a new hope and new challenges coming our way. And yes, there is a new love abloom, one like my children and I have never experienced.
Franklin Sanders, the author of At Home In Dogwood Mudhole
It has truly been a long year for us. I can hardly believe October is already here. It just seems like the entire year has flown by.
Next month is the last month of reviews for the TOS Crew year. It’s passed by so quickly but the break will be nice. I plan to work on my blog, create some posting ideas and prep for next years work as I hopefully will be returning to the Crew in January (we will see!).
This week, I have had no scheduled reviews for the Crew, so it’s allowed me a nice little break to get some much needed mind-clearage and also to focus on my house. The house and the mind are in dire need of an overhaul. It’s a slow process but the house is becoming more organized every day. After four years of living here, I have to admit that it’s about time!
I looked at Winston just yesterday and we discussed that we’ve never stayed in one place so long. When we lived with his father, we constantly moved. There was no security and no reason to unpack because we knew before long we would be moving again. I can’t blame his Dad, as that’s how he was raised but I wasn’t. My parents lived in the same home for 26 years of my life. Moving was not something I knew how to do. Neither was organizing, even though we’d lived in the same home so long.
Organizing has been something that I’ve recently been learning. Sure my Mom’s house was neat and kept clean but it was all done by her. I never learned those important skills that I needed to because, well, I knew Mom would do it for me! And she has, even in my own home, she’s always come in and put things where she felt they belonged, which really didn’t work for me!
So now, here I am at age 34, learning to organize and clean my way. Since I have never been good at this, my kids are also learning along with me and they are greatly enjoying the process of having a home that’s organized. They are also enjoying having a home that is permanent, that we don’t have to keep packed up and that we can enjoy our life and our time in.
My son tells me he’s never seen our home so organized and that it makes him happy. That makes me happy. These kids are my world! I could never imagine my life without them in it and my heart is full having them journeying through it all along with me. I could not be more thankful.
This has been a hard year but it’s coming to an end joyfully, full of life and love and living. I would not have that any other way.
Don’t know if you noticed but I gave the blog a makeover last week. The green was up for a long time and I was extremely tired of the look, so I created a new look using blue. Not sure how long I’ll leave this one up but I like the site a lot better now.
This has been a busy week for us.
Monday I completed a review item that took me all day to create.
Tuesday we took a trip to Charleston for Laycie’s neuro appointment and we had a field trip day. We left Jackson with Grami and the big kids, Grandma and I went to visit Charles Town Landing and the Angel Oak. It was a lot of fun and there is a blog post coming about that day very soon.
Wednesday, I played rest with Laycie who was exhausted from Tuesday and also played catch up with wedding photos that I have not had a chance to work on since Laycie’s seizure two weeks ago.
Today, I am working on catching up things that are behind in the house: laundry, dishes, cleaning in general.
Tomorrow night I have a wedding rehearsal to attend and photograph and Saturday is the big wedding event which I’m totally excited to be photographing for the beautiful bride and groom. So tomorrow will be spent prepping by cleaning the camera lenses, charging the battery, making sure memory cards are clear and packing up all the things I need for the event.
This week has been full of excitement but fulfilling in life. As soon as it slows back down, I will play catch up with our blog posts.
Website no longer available.
Outside my window the sun is shining brightly and the heat of the day can be felt through the shades covering the windows.
I am thinking about school planning, hoping to accomplish a lot this year.
I am thankful for my children who have truly blessed my life.
From the learning rooms we are preparing for school by keeping it simple and slowly introducing our studies back into our everyday life.
From the kitchen will be either sloppy joes or 4 cheese Rigatoni for lunch and pork chops, Rice-A-Roni, mac n cheese, corn and muffins for dinner.
I am wearing a comfy blue t-shirt with black shorts today.
I am creating plans. Lots of plans for the house and school and life.
I am going to work on my kitchen clutter and classroom in a little while.
I am reading lots of blogs lately. I enjoy the ideas that are being shared.
I am hoping that my headache goes away before much longer.
I am hearing the sweetest voices calling me Mommy and excitedly telling me what words they just wrote.
Around the house there is a mess that is slowly disappearing everyday.
One of my favorite things is the joy on my Two-dlers face when she does something she finds funny. This girl is well loved and it more than shows! 🙂
A few plans for the rest of the week: Organize, plan and get ready to paint the girls’ room.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing: A beautiful smile to brighten the day!