abuse

Fear {Thoughts From Me}

December 10, 2016 by Dana

PTSD is an awful thing.

Fear is crippling.

Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me. Emotions that I try to ignore. Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.

I remember why I’m in therapy. I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.

I can’t ignore it.
Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone. I can feel his anger, hate, wrath.

“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”

He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook. That’s when he’d tell them about me at all. Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.

”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.”

I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases.

I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house. Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me. I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.

I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done. His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay. He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.

For six years, I put up with abuse. I hid it. I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me. I made myself believe that it was my fault. That I just wasn’t good enough.

It was never my fault. I did the things I was supposed to. But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves.

I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more. Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life. I don’t need to fear anymore.

But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go. You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given. You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.

Today, I am stronger. Tomorrow, I will be even more so.

Until next time…

Healing and Moving Forward {Thoughts From Me}

March 13, 2016 by Dana

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8

The first time I can remember hearing these verses was in a song but the words stuck with me through time. To everything there is a season and a purpose for us all. There is a reason for all that we go through. All the hurt, the anguish, the pain has a reason in the end times though we may never realize why while we are living this life.

Abuse is a real thing. It hurts through to your soul. You know it’s wrong, you realize it’s happening to you but when you are in it, you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to begin to escape, to get out, to move on. Fear freezes you into place and action becomes so far away that you don’t know how to find it.

For most of my life, I’ve lived in one abusive situation after another. I want to share them with you, to free myself from the secrets I’ve kept hidden all my life, but I cannot. Fear controls me. The fear that if I speak out against my abusers, somehow I will suffer from their retaliation, eventually. The fear of knowing that even though I am no longer in their possession, they still control my life.

Fear is a hard thing to let go of. It controls your life and leaves you debilitated. It takes away your ability to speak out, to move on, to stop others from affecting your life.

I am afraid of my past abusers. I’m afraid of the actions they can still take against me. I’m afraid of them controlling my life and with my fear I allow them that control still. They know it and so do I.

My abusers have moved on with their lives. They don’t fear me because they know they have me where they want me. They have moved on to new loves and new things while I still suffer from their hurt and their actions towards me in our past life. This is what those who are the ones that abuse others do, while those they hurt spend a lifetime suffering. I pray for their spouses, their children, their family that they may never know the life I experienced with them and if they do, they see it and find a way to get out.

I have been hit, screamed at, convinced I was the problem, told I was nothing, useless, hated. I have been told I’m ugly, hateful, disgraceful, unwanted. I have screamed back, begged, pleaded, allowed myself to be disgraced, been laughed at and harrassed. These things are the least of what has happened in my life.

Every day it’s a struggle to simply get out of bed without fear of which one of them is coming at me next. I’m in therapy because of their actions. I’m finding my strength again and creating a new life for myself and my children. I’m healing myself and I’m healing my children from the hurt they’ve experienced. Rebuilding our lives for the best and showing my children their Mother is stronger than the Evil she’s endured.

Because abuse is just that: Evil in it’s purest form.

In this season, our lives are starting over. There is so much that you don’t know but the past is the past and the future is yet to come. Pray for me, as I pray for you and we shall all come through as God intends, stronger for His Purpose and Glory than we could have ever imagined in the end.

In this season, I have chosen to start fresh. I will be changing our blog name and setting it up to redirect to our new URL. We have a new home, a new hope and new challenges coming our way. And yes, there is a new love abloom, one like my children and I have never experienced.

Please continue to join us as we grow in Love, our Faith and Graciousness during this season of our life. We look forward to sharing our lives and experiences with you as we continue upon this path.

Lulu’s Cafe – T.I. Lowe {A Review}

April 16, 2014 by Dana

It’s very rare that I write a review on a book that I wasn’t asked to review but this one has called to me from the minute I heard it mentioned by a dear friend. Lulu’s Cafe was written by T.I. Lowe, a home-town girl, who grew up in the same places as me. The small-town gossip about her amazingly written book left me wanting to read it for myself and I was definitely not disappointed.

T.I. Lowe and I have walked the same streets over time, the same well-beaten paths of beauty by the river and the beautiful Atlantic Coast that make up our coastal SC home. I knew every true, picturesque place she described in the made up town of Rivertown, SC. Much as Rivertown became “Home” to Leah Allen, the main character in Lulu’s Cafe, Rivertown is indeed “Home” to me.

Leah’s life was not always sweet southern peaches and cream. She’d been through Hell in her lifetime – a Hell that few of us can even begin to imagine. Growing up as an orphan was only the faint beginning of this life she led.

To everyone else, it seemed Leah, who was then known as Gabriella Sadler, lead a dream life. She was the wife of the handsome Brent Sadler who gave her everything she could ever want. If only the world would take a closer look, they’d see that Gabby’s life was not all roses and champagne. Only a few cared to look for the truth and those few couldn’t help Gabby.

There comes a time when the abuse becomes too much and you fight back. I know because I have been there and though I wasn’t nearly as badly abused as sweet Gabby was, it wasn’t easy just to walk away. Still Gabby managed to break free and she started on a path to begin her life again. She headed South.

In the South, Gabby began to grow and blossom, thanks to the great support she found in Lulu and others in Rivertown. She was known as Leah now, her name all along. She hid her past but began to look forward to her future. Lulu’s Cafe helped Leah find who she really is and that fine piece of man, Crowley Mason also played a hand in that.

Coastal South Carolina leaves with you a lasting impression. The sweet little towns, the southern sass, the smell of wetlands and marsh grass are incomparable. I personally couldn’t imagine a better life than here and Lulu’s Cafe, T.I. Lowe’s debut novel, brings forth every bit of that beauty through Leah’s story. T.I. Lowe provides an experience you won’t soon forget and a connection to a place time has not changed. I truly look forward to reading more of her work in the future.

You can purchase Lulu’s Cafe through T.I. Lowe’s personal website at www.tilowe.com. It’s available on Amazon Kindle for $3.99 or in Paperback for $15. This is one book you’ll want to read!

*Disclaimer – I was not asked to write this review. It is of my own personal opinion. I received no items in exchange for this review and I purchased the eBook version of this book on my own with no monetary reimbursement. I am including this disclaimer in accordance with FTC guidelines and regulations.

Abuse: What is it? {Domestic Violence Awareness}

June 11, 2010 by Dana

Webster’s dictionary online describes abuse in several ways. One is to treat someone or something in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. Another is to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about someone or something. The maltreatment, or bad and improper treatment, of a child is another description of abuse. Last, but certainly not least, is sexual assault.
The Domestic Abuse Project provides a list of abusive treatment for emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse on their website.
Just to list a few examples:

Abuse is talking to someone in a threatening or degrading manner.
Abuse is threatening to or physically hitting, pushing, choking, thumping, and any other unwelcomed physical contact.
Abuse is neglecting a child or any person who is unable to care for themselves.
Abuse is preventing you from having communication with family and friends.
Abuse is someone else controlling your choices and circumstances, not allowing you to control your own life.
Abuse is trapping you with their body, allowing you no movement or protection of yourself.
Abuse is frightening you.

This list could go on and on but I think it shows a solid example of abuse.

If you are currently being abused, please seek help. You do not deserve this treatment and can find assistance through:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Confidential – 24 hours per day
TDD accessible
Will accept collect calls
Safety planning
Call to access shelter, support groups and other resources.
Do not hesitate to get help now, as your life and those of your children could very well be in serious danger.