Luv'N Lambert Life

Mental Health, Homeschooling, Epilepsy and More

therapy

Fear {Thoughts From Me}

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PTSD is an awful thing.

Fear is crippling.

Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me.  Emotions that I try to ignore.  Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.

I remember why I’m in therapy.  I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.

I can’t ignore it. 
Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone.  I can feel his anger, hate, wrath. 

“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”

He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook.  That’s when he’d tell them about me at all.  Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.

”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.” 

I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases. 

I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house.  Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me.  I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.

I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done.  His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay.  He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.

For six years, I put up with abuse.  I hid it.  I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me.  I made myself believe that it was my fault.  That I just wasn’t good enough.

It was never my fault.  I did the things I was supposed to.  But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves. 

I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more.  Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life.  I don’t need to fear anymore. 

But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go.  You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given.  You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.

Today, I am stronger.  Tomorrow, I will be even more so.

Until next time…

blueDANAsig

Mid January Update {Thoughts From Me}

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Another week has passed filled with so many things to do.  The weather hasn’t allowed much outside time so the kids are climbing the walls inside the house.  They’ve invented their own fun, playing with each other, reading, working on building projects – whatever they can come up with to burn off that pent up energy.

January is passing fast and this month is filled with appointments for us  now that we are finally past the Flu and Bronchitis of the past few weeks.  We have neurology, therapy, and genetics.  We are adding in an eye doctor appointment and more therapy as well.  Life is never not busy around here.

All we can do is take it day by day but I’m really hoping some pretty weather comes soon so the kids can get outside, run and play.   Until then we play things by ear.  See ya next time…

December Update {Epilepsy Awareness}

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It’s been a month since I posted on the blog.  I really was feeling burnt out and just needed a long break.  Plus I was sick with strep for two weeks and simply did not feel up to writing anything.

My life is ever chaotic but full.  There is always so much going on.  It’s never-ending but I’m thankful we have so many activities to keep us busy.

Jackson has therapy every Monday in Charleston right now but that should be ending soon.  It’s for his Parent – Child Interactive Therapy and it’s been amazing for us.  His therapist is so impressed with our family and how quickly we have achieved our goals.  It’s been great for me too because it’s assured me that I have this Momma thing down.  Parenting comes easy to me even when I feel like I’m barely keeping it together.  I always knew I was born to be a Momma.

Jackson also has therapy on Tuesday’s where we always have.  He’s my third child at NextStep.  They are amazing to work with.

Last week, Jack was fitted for braces and shoes for his feet as requested by his wonderful therapist.  The braces fit inside his shoes and help with his arch support.  They keep his ankles from twisting and help him balance better.  At least that is the hope.  If these don’t work, he will get ankle supports to help him gain strength in his legs and feet.  The goal is to prevent him from having similar issues as Emmalee has.

Laycie began back with her speech therapy last week as well.  She’s officially done with physical and occupational therapy.  Her speech is still challenging though so she will continue with that.  I really need to get her an appt to have her tongue tie checked and discuss surgery options for it.  I just dread having her suffer with having that done.

She has a neurology appt on Monday.  We will see how she is doing and if she has lost any more weight.  If so, she will be switching medications again which is always a challenge for her.  The doctor had some suggestions for us that we will discuss at this visit.  Not sure what they exactly are but I trust his opinion on the matter.

Winston and Emmalee are doing great as always.  At the neuro Monday, I will bring up Emma’s followup for her feet so we can see where we are on that.  I’m so past ready for the doctors to get rolling with a treatment plan.

So that is our most recent update.  Life is just so busy right now and Christmas time is always exceptionally busy for us.  Hope you are all well!  God bless!

September Update {Epilepsy Awareness}

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Life is been full of doctor’s appointments for us lately.  It’s  not leaving a lot of time for other things to be done.  Being on the road is definitely time consuming but of course, my children’s healthcare is more than worth it.

Jackson started Parent Child Interactive Therapy a few weeks ago.  We are doing great with this therapy and have already passed through the first part of the series after 2 weeks of sessions with our therapist.  We are now moving on to the next step which is to give Jackson demands and work on his temper issues, as well as building discipline.  We hope this will help both us and him learn to better deal with our day to day and also help with his breath holding spells. Time will show us if it does or not.

Emma sees the neurologist this week as well.  It will be our first visit.   We hope he will be able to tell us why she is toe-walking since no one can tell us that.  Once this is done, we will move on to repairing her toe-walking.

Last week we ordered Jack a helmet.  Hopefully, it will be done soon and we will be able to use this for both of his therapies.  It will be great for his headbanging as well.

Laycie and Winston are doing great right now.  No issues for them which is wonderful.

That’s it for a current update and where we are at with our day to day issues.

Jackson is 9 Months!! {Thoughts From Me}

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Jackson is currently in therapy because he’s just a little behind in sitting, pulling up and crawling. Our therapist tells us he has low muscle tone, and is basically top heavy because of his long torso.  He’s quickly catching up though.

Just this week, Jackson has learned to scoot crawl.  He pushes his feet and scoots himself across the floor.  For the last month he’s been rolling himself everywhere he wanted to go.  Whatever works!

Last month, Jackson learned to wave Bye Bye and he can also do Hi!  Last week he learned to play Pat-A-Cake and this week he’s learning to clap.  He loves his little games.

Every day he says more things.  He can say mmm, ddddd, bbbb.  He has said Bye-Bye a few times and DaDa.  His favorite word, though, is simply Jack-Jack.  I tell him all the time he is my Jack-Jack Love.

He’s eating everything: fruits, meats, veggies and even drinking milk with no problems.  We have not introduced nuts and eggs yet since they are high allergens.  He is allergic to sweet potatoes so we currently avoid everything that contains them.

Jackson is growing bigger every day.  He is growing into a sweet and gentle boy.  He’s definitely no longer a little baby.  He is a complete joy to our lives.  We have been surely blessed.

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