fear

Fear {Thoughts From Me}

December 10, 2016 by Dana

PTSD is an awful thing.

Fear is crippling.

Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me. Emotions that I try to ignore. Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.

I remember why I’m in therapy. I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.

I can’t ignore it.
Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone. I can feel his anger, hate, wrath.

“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”

He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook. That’s when he’d tell them about me at all. Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.

”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.”

I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases.

I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house. Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me. I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.

I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done. His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay. He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.

For six years, I put up with abuse. I hid it. I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me. I made myself believe that it was my fault. That I just wasn’t good enough.

It was never my fault. I did the things I was supposed to. But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves.

I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more. Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life. I don’t need to fear anymore.

But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go. You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given. You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.

Today, I am stronger. Tomorrow, I will be even more so.

Until next time…

Seizure Update and a Thank You! {Epilepsy Awareness}

December 18, 2013 by Dana

Jackson had another seizure last night. It honestly terrified me. I was afraid it wasn’t going to stop. He hasn’t had a seizure that bed in months.

The circumstances were the same. He got upset and boom, the seizure took over after he hyperventilated. Then he was just out.

This one lasted over 5 minutes and took 5mgs of Diastat to stop. I used up his 2.5 shots because I wanted to see just how much it would take to get it under control. It took both of them, equaling 5 mgs. I did the first one and it did nothing – the seizure was still going full on. I administered the second dose and the seizure stopped within a few seconds.

I have to admit – I was so afraid he’d slip away from me right then. I was terrified he would not stop shaking. His whole body was out of control, shaking from his head to his sweet baby toes.

It hit me that this may be our daily life. We may never have full control for him. Ever. And that seriously scares the Hell out of me.

As a Mom, I’m worn out with this. I’m struggling to keep up and just enjoy my days without letting Epilepsy control our lives. I’m thankful that I have my Mother to help me because I seriously don’t know what I would do without her or my older kids for that matter. They are also a huge help through this.

I asked online for help obtaining a monitor for the kids room. I need one to even hear the EmFit on Laycie’s bed and it would be wonderful to be able to see her while she sleeps and her brother as well. It’s hard to even leave their side knowing what may happen – that it may be the last time I ever see them alive again. A video monitor will allow us that peace of mind.

My dear friend Jo Pair Reaves shared my plight. She is an Epilepsy Momma of two handsome young men. She understands very well just what our family goes through every day because she lives it. Thanks to Jo, we have had a few anonymous donors step up to help us obtain monitors for the kids. I cannot express how very thankful I am! I have thought about this for so long and now it’s happening. I feel so absolutely blessed!

So if you are reading this, please know how thankful I am for the kind gift you have given to us. After our terrible night, this has been such a blessing for us today. I’m so thankful – more than any words could ever express.

Facing Atlantic Fears {Thoughts From Me}

May 28, 2013 by Dana

Yesterday, I did something I swore I never would that I found totally amazing, yet I will never ever do again. That’s right, y’all – friends talked me into going on a boat into the great Atlantic Ocean. And it was the most beautiful thing, yet it was the most terrifying experience I’ve had in a long time.

For me, it was akin to giving birth. I received the greatest gift in giving birth – my children. Yet because I had multiple c-sections, it was a terrifying experience even though I knew God was with me all along.

I don’t swim y’all. I can’t even doggie paddle. And floating – that’s a no go too! So for me, being out there in that tiny boat surrounded only by sunshine, water and fish was really scary beyond belief.

I’m proud to say I completely survived. I conquered a fear that day too. And it was nothing like I thought it would be.

The Atlantic Ocean is absolutely gorgeous. I can only imagine that all Oceans are but I’ve only seen this one. I saw my first Sand Shark up close and personal. It was beautiful. White with leathery, grey skin and tiny, sharp teeth.

We were 40 miles out in the ocean for a good part of the day. While the other’s fished, I just hung out around the boat praying it wouldn’t turn over with me in it. They caught lots of beautiful fish: Blue fish, Sea Bass, Sea Brim and three Sand Sharks. I’ve never seen such beautiful fish as they all were and certainly never that close up.

We were out on the water for 12 hours and 2 minutes. It’s a day I will never forget and one I will never experience again. It’s something I will forever tell my children and grandchildren about.

The best part of the day was watching the sun set over the Myrtle Beach coastline. I’ve always wanted to see the sun set on the coast and God surely made that happen for me. Something I thought would never happen came true. God’s simplest beauties shown to me from a completely different angle than I ever expected to experience.

It was something I never expected to do and it happened rather suddenly. It’s something I will choose to never do again but I can promise I will always remember the joyful experience over the fear of my day.

Fear {Thoughts From Me}

April 5, 2011 by Dana

Fear is a horendous thing. There are days when it runs through me like a train barreling down an extensive track. There are times when I feel ready to run and hide just to avoid it. It’s controling and disabling and creates unnecessary drama in lives when you least expect it.

Dictionaries define fear as being a distressing emotion brought on by impending danger, pain, evil, etc. whether or not the fear is imagined or real; it is the condition or the feeling of being afraid. To be afraid of someone or some thing.

There are many things to fear daily in our lives. This world has become an inexplicable mess and is growing more dangerous everyday. Evil has taken control of a large part of life and strives daily to grow fear and pestilence throughout the world. Even the smallest child is not exempt from the terrors Evil’s fear provides.

What can we do to protect ourselves from fear? How can we change our daily lives to prevent fear from controling us? What changes should we make to keep ourselves safe from Evil’s control?

The bible tells us that God should be our only fear. As Dueteronomy 10:12, 20-21 tells, “And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.” This tells us that we, as Christians, should fear and praise the Lord in his mighty works.

Our first step to overcoming fear should be prayer. When the feeling of fear comes upon us, we should immediately go to the Lord in prayer, sharing with him our feelings, asking forgiveness, shelter, peace and protection from our fears. Then we should listen openly to find the answers we seek in return, which do not always come right away.

We should seek peaceful ways to overcome our fears, sometimes simply by facing them head on. Other times by placing them into God’s hands to handle in His time and way. Prayer is the best way to control Evil’s grasp upon us and only God can handle a battle such as this one.

To prevent fear, we should make prayer time an essential part of our daily lives. We should also take the time to re-evaluate our lives to find why fear suddenly has taken control. We should then work towards changing any reasonings we find in the re-evaluation process, once again laying these doubts into God’s hands to handle for us.

Overcoming fear takes great Courage. Courage comes from having a strong faith in the Lord, even if it’s only faith the size of a mustard seed. The bible tells us to “be strong and courageous” and also tells us many times that “God will not foresake you“. We must believe in these words in order to survive this crazy life and overcome any fears we may have daily.

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Do not fear, the Lord has our hands and will never foresake those who believe in Him. Have strong Courage and Faith and use them to overcome any fears cast upon you each day. May God bless each of you and keep you safe from the trials fear creates in each of our lives.