domestic abuse

Fear {Thoughts From Me}

December 10, 2016 by Dana

PTSD is an awful thing.

Fear is crippling.

Last night I was laying in bed, talking with Don and memories flooded back to me. Emotions that I try to ignore. Feelings that I don’t want to deal with.

I remember why I’m in therapy. I remember what brought me there, what I went through, what I try to ignore.

I can’t ignore it.
Sometimes I can feel his presence towering over me, screaming at me, telling me how much he hated me, how much he wished I was gone. I can feel his anger, hate, wrath.

“You’re not good enough… not pretty enough… not what I want.”

He told his girl of the month I wouldn’t work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook. That’s when he’d tell them about me at all. Many didn’t even know I lived there and often if they did his story was that I was his roommate or that he let me stay there for the kids.

”This is my house… my car… my land… none of it is yours… nothing here is yours… I will have my son.”

I lost count of how many times I heard those phrases.

I still feel his hands on my throat as he picked me up and threw me across the house. Still feel the fear and terror as he lunged at me. I still feel the cold metal as I collided with the washer and dryer.

I can hear the door slam as he left, running to his Mother’s house to hide out from what he’d done. His haven to get away because he knew they’d cover for him and give him a place to stay. He knew they’d side with him and make this all my fault as they always did.

For six years, I put up with abuse. I hid it. I dealt with it because I believed I loved him, that he didn’t mean it, that he wanted me. I made myself believe that it was my fault. That I just wasn’t good enough.

It was never my fault. I did the things I was supposed to. But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t save him, couldn’t change him, couldn’t reason with someone who just did not want to help themselves.

I wake up every day thankful I no longer live that life, thankful that I don’t have to hide any more. Thankful that I am safe, loved and happy in my new life. I don’t need to fear anymore.

But even when you don’t need to fear, the damage is done and you must learn to relive, to heal, to forgive and let go. You must learn that you didn’t deserve the anger, hurt and pain you were given. You must learn lessons from your past, from your mistakes and you come to find strength hidden within you that you thought you would never find.

Today, I am stronger. Tomorrow, I will be even more so.

Until next time…

To Blog Or Not To Blog… {Thoughts From Me}

October 22, 2016 by Dana

This year blogging has taken a backseat to life for us. It wasn’t my intention to just let the blog go but rather an inability to keep up with writing here. As it often does, life gets in the way and there’s just no time to devote to our online presence.

A year ago, our life hit rock bottom and it’s taken a year to get back some normalcy after all we went through in our time living in Georgetown. There have been a great many changes, struggles and a constant rebuilding of our life since leaving there. The lowest point of our life has transformed into better by the day and for that I’m truly thankful.

There are many more changes to come.

When you’re living in an abusive environment, you don’t always see just how bad things are. You make excuses for the abuse. You overlook truth so that you can just make it to the next day. You think if you can just hold on, things will get better. Maybe that’s true for some but for me and my children, it definitely wasn’t.

I see such a difference in my children in this past year. I see their eyes shine with laughter. I see happiness and an unbreakable bond. Sure they argue like most siblings but there is an irreplaceable love between them that simply amazes me. I’m thankful they’ve come through life with this bond and strength to get them through.

Life is not easy for any of us. God didn’t promise it would be easy. He promises us that in the end all of the struggle, trails, tribulations we go through will be worth it. Heaven is the prize, the end goal, in this. Heaven is the reward we all reach for.

So as we continue through the daily struggle, rebuilding our life together, I look forward to rebuilding our blog as well. I miss writing. I miss sharing our life with others. I miss the outlet that this little online space provides me with. I look forward to beginning here again and sharing our future with you as we continue letting go of the past.

Healing and Moving Forward {Thoughts From Me}

March 13, 2016 by Dana

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8

The first time I can remember hearing these verses was in a song but the words stuck with me through time. To everything there is a season and a purpose for us all. There is a reason for all that we go through. All the hurt, the anguish, the pain has a reason in the end times though we may never realize why while we are living this life.

Abuse is a real thing. It hurts through to your soul. You know it’s wrong, you realize it’s happening to you but when you are in it, you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to begin to escape, to get out, to move on. Fear freezes you into place and action becomes so far away that you don’t know how to find it.

For most of my life, I’ve lived in one abusive situation after another. I want to share them with you, to free myself from the secrets I’ve kept hidden all my life, but I cannot. Fear controls me. The fear that if I speak out against my abusers, somehow I will suffer from their retaliation, eventually. The fear of knowing that even though I am no longer in their possession, they still control my life.

Fear is a hard thing to let go of. It controls your life and leaves you debilitated. It takes away your ability to speak out, to move on, to stop others from affecting your life.

I am afraid of my past abusers. I’m afraid of the actions they can still take against me. I’m afraid of them controlling my life and with my fear I allow them that control still. They know it and so do I.

My abusers have moved on with their lives. They don’t fear me because they know they have me where they want me. They have moved on to new loves and new things while I still suffer from their hurt and their actions towards me in our past life. This is what those who are the ones that abuse others do, while those they hurt spend a lifetime suffering. I pray for their spouses, their children, their family that they may never know the life I experienced with them and if they do, they see it and find a way to get out.

I have been hit, screamed at, convinced I was the problem, told I was nothing, useless, hated. I have been told I’m ugly, hateful, disgraceful, unwanted. I have screamed back, begged, pleaded, allowed myself to be disgraced, been laughed at and harrassed. These things are the least of what has happened in my life.

Every day it’s a struggle to simply get out of bed without fear of which one of them is coming at me next. I’m in therapy because of their actions. I’m finding my strength again and creating a new life for myself and my children. I’m healing myself and I’m healing my children from the hurt they’ve experienced. Rebuilding our lives for the best and showing my children their Mother is stronger than the Evil she’s endured.

Because abuse is just that: Evil in it’s purest form.

In this season, our lives are starting over. There is so much that you don’t know but the past is the past and the future is yet to come. Pray for me, as I pray for you and we shall all come through as God intends, stronger for His Purpose and Glory than we could have ever imagined in the end.

In this season, I have chosen to start fresh. I will be changing our blog name and setting it up to redirect to our new URL. We have a new home, a new hope and new challenges coming our way. And yes, there is a new love abloom, one like my children and I have never experienced.

Please continue to join us as we grow in Love, our Faith and Graciousness during this season of our life. We look forward to sharing our lives and experiences with you as we continue upon this path.