This post isn’t going to be one of my easiest to write as it deeply triggers my anxiety. Anxiety that is caused from years of abuse, and from years of dealing with my children’s health struggles. But I feel led to write it anyways.
There is another type of abuse that is often ignored: abuse from those who love someone who abused you in your past. I remember discussing this in Domestic Violence therapy briefly, but when I searched for posts about it before coming to write this, I was unable to find a lot about it outside of people asking how to deal with abuse by an abusers loved ones.
For 10 years now, I’ve been stalked, harassed, humiliated online by someone my ex cares about. This person has overstepped their relationship boundaries with my ex and my family more than once. This person has gone so far as to leave hateful reviews on both of my published works, to leaving multiple blog comments, comments on my social media, sending messages calling me a “whore” and “liar” and “bitch”. I’m sure this person has used more distasteful words in their personal commentary, but these are the ones I’ve directly been exposed to by them.
10 years is a long time to hate someone you’ve absolutely no connection to, and have never physically met, or spoken in person to. 10 years is a long time for a so-called “Christian” to stalk and abuse and attempt to destroy someone in the name of “love” for their significant other. 10 years is a long time to stalk someone’s every move and harass them.
Let me reiterate that this person has NEVER MET ME, NEVER SPOKEN A WORD TO MY FACE, yet they HATE me. All because I was previously with the person they love. All because I exist in this world. 10 years of HATEFULNESS for NO REASON.
I make no excuses for this person. You can see their hateful statements in past things that I’ve shared both on this blog, and on my social media. You can view their hateful commentary on both of the book collaborations that I have participated in. It’s all there for public view, along with their location which matches the location of my ex and many closest to him. (If you do take a look, please report the content for it’s removal.)
Because of this person’s unwarranted angst towards me, I stopped writing for the past year. I did this to protect myself and my children. But my daughter turns 18 next month, and with her amazing strength and support, as well as my Husband’s, my Mother’s, and my close friends, I have chosen to stop hiding and speak out as an advocate on something that is very real and very harmful. I know I am not the only one to face this type of abuser.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I don’t just contact the police. I have. I have reports written and filed on this person’s actions and behavior for my personal safety. And I could sue, but I’m a Mother of four who spends all my financial means to support my children, and honestly traveling to their location would cost me excessively. I would rather keep that money where it belongs: in my home for my children’s needs.
The thing is, I was once in this person’s shoes, making the same excuses for the person they love and why they weren’t around, blaming others for things that I believed true of them. I know how easy it is to believe the lie they create to make themselves seem to be great. I know what it’s like to think you are doing the right thing.
But there is a fine line between listening and believing someone, and taking up a cross in their name wrongly. Abusers often cause those around them to act in their honor, making others believe they were right for what they’ve done. They leave out details that they don’t see as wrong. They’re more than happy to share how they were wronged by the person they abused. And they’re often thrilled to see the abuse continued in their honor by someone who sees them as right.
This, too, is a type of abuse. It’s a form of abuse the cross bearer undergoes, making them take such actions against another. It places the person in situations that could lead to charges being pressed against them for harassment and stalking, for libelous behavior, and more. This isn’t fair to the person being swayed by the lies that make them choose to follow the abuser. But it truly, happens every day.
And the truth is, no matter how much I explain my side of things, the abuser by association will never believe my side. Nor will they see the wrongness of their own actions. The abuse will continue because of the unhappiness, the bitterness, the hatred they carry within themselves. It will continue because of the untruths, and half-truths that they’ve been told and chose to believe. In the end, it’s a heart issue of their own as well that I cannot fix for them.
I know I am not the only one who faces this kind of abuse in their life. As a published Author and a blogger, my abuse is just seen a little more than others.
As a person, I refuse to continue to hide. But, because of this person’s blatant hatred for me, I chose to step back this past year until my daughter was old enough to prevent actions from being taken that could harm her. At this time, having seen the harassment and stalking I have endured the past decade from this person, my children have chosen not to allow them access with being online. But the time will come when the person’s abuse will find them as well. We do all we can as parent’s to protect our children and teach them better.
I chose to teach my children to stand against this kind of hatred. I choose to speak out for other’s who may be going through abuse like this as well. I chose to advocate for those who cannot speak out, so they know they are not alone in this. Because you’re not alone… and abuse such as this should not be tolerated or allowed. It is NOT OKAY. It is ABUSE and we all need to know it’s not normal to act this way.
If you’re in this type of situation, please feel free to reach out to me through social media. I am here for you.
If you are in a Domestic Violence situation, please know you are not alone.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
If you need Mental Health assistance:
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: