The weather has warmed up tremendously – though we currently have a bit of a cold front upon us as I type this – and it has brought the kids, and us adults, out of winter hiding. There’s been a bit of rain but there’s been a lot of sunshine as well. We look forward to this time of new beginning, both inside our home and outside.
It’s a completely new adventure for me that began last August before we up and moved to NC. It began with new hope and love, with meeting Donald. Camping is something he loves to do. He’s spent most of his life exploring outdoors.
Camping is something I never in a million years thought I would do. Not unless it involved a shiny RV. But Don encouraged me to give it a shot and y’all, I love it! There’s nothing better than connecting with nature or sleeping out in a tent under the stars.
The kids are loving it, too – well, Winston and Laycie at least. Emma isn’t so sure she’s ready until we have a bigger tent for the family to share. Grandma swears she has never liked camping and doesn’t think she’ll like it now. And Jack has been up and down in his health this Winter with mild tummy bugs and colds, so we haven’t yet taken him along with us. They are slowly being convinced to join us though and hopefully, in a few more weeks, they’ll be willing to take that plunge. For now though, Laycie and Winston are loving the fun with Don and I.
It’s good for Winston to be out and about. He’s learning a lot about nature, first hand. Don’s been teaching him to fish as well. Hopefully, they’ll be out canoeing soon. He and Don have a lot in common which is great for both Donald and for Winston. It’s amazing to see the transformation in them both. God’s blessing shines through.
Win’s growing up fast and his years left at home are limited. I’m so thankful he finally has a man in his life to teach him all about being a real man and I’m glad that Don is up for the task, enjoying it right along with him. It’s a beautiful thing to see them both growing and gleaning wisdom from each other.
Laycie’s right along with those guys. Every time, DaDa Don (as she calls him) takes out the fishing pole, she wants to go, too. He’s taken her several times already and she’s caught a couple of good-sized fish. She’s learning to be patient and a little bit quieter so she can one day catch that monster bass. She’s also getting pretty good at her owl calls with her DaDa Don’s help.
So this is life for us now. A lot of out of the house, sleeping in tents in the great wild yonder. ReWilding. Getting back to nature and learning to love this life God has blessed us with as well as the many people in it. Bringing home close again so these kids of mine have the love, security and life they deserve to have. Life is a beautiful thing and I’m so blessed every day with my family and my little loves.
Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8
The first time I can remember hearing these verses was in a song but the words stuck with me through time. To everything there is a season and a purpose for us all. There is a reason for all that we go through. All the hurt, the anguish, the pain has a reason in the end times though we may never realize why while we are living this life.
Abuse is a real thing. It hurts through to your soul. You know it’s wrong, you realize it’s happening to you but when you are in it, you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to begin to escape, to get out, to move on. Fear freezes you into place and action becomes so far away that you don’t know how to find it.
For most of my life, I’ve lived in one abusive situation after another. I want to share them with you, to free myself from the secrets I’ve kept hidden all my life, but I cannot. Fear controls me. The fear that if I speak out against my abusers, somehow I will suffer from their retaliation, eventually. The fear of knowing that even though I am no longer in their possession, they still control my life.
Fear is a hard thing to let go of. It controls your life and leaves you debilitated. It takes away your ability to speak out, to move on, to stop others from affecting your life.
I am afraid of my past abusers. I’m afraid of the actions they can still take against me. I’m afraid of them controlling my life and with my fear I allow them that control still. They know it and so do I.
My abusers have moved on with their lives. They don’t fear me because they know they have me where they want me. They have moved on to new loves and new things while I still suffer from their hurt and their actions towards me in our past life. This is what those who are the ones that abuse others do, while those they hurt spend a lifetime suffering. I pray for their spouses, their children, their family that they may never know the life I experienced with them and if they do, they see it and find a way to get out.
I have been hit, screamed at, convinced I was the problem, told I was nothing, useless, hated. I have been told I’m ugly, hateful, disgraceful, unwanted. I have screamed back, begged, pleaded, allowed myself to be disgraced, been laughed at and harrassed. These things are the least of what has happened in my life.
Every day it’s a struggle to simply get out of bed without fear of which one of them is coming at me next. I’m in therapy because of their actions. I’m finding my strength again and creating a new life for myself and my children. I’m healing myself and I’m healing my children from the hurt they’ve experienced. Rebuilding our lives for the best and showing my children their Mother is stronger than the Evil she’s endured.
In this season, our lives are starting over. There is so much that you don’t know but the past is the past and the future is yet to come. Pray for me, as I pray for you and we shall all come through as God intends, stronger for His Purpose and Glory than we could have ever imagined in the end.
In this season, I have chosen to start fresh. I will be changing our blog name and setting it up to redirect to our new URL. We have a new home, a new hope and new challenges coming our way. And yes, there is a new love abloom, one like my children and I have never experienced.