Luv'N Lambert Life

A blog about living with Epilepsy, IBHS, Homeschooling and so much more

pain

Overwhelmed {Thoughts From Me}

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So there comes a point in life when you just cannot breathe anymore.  Life becomes too much.  The drama is overwhelming.  Day to day is too routine and you feel like you’re stuck in a rut.

There comes a point in life where you become tired.  Tired of the lies.  Tired of pretending things are not as they are.  Tired of putting on that fake smile just to make the world happy.

There comes a point in life where you stop.  You think, analyze, pray, plead, think some more and you realize the only way it’s going to change is if you make the conscience effort to see that it does.

There is only so much forgiveness that one can give before they figure out it’s not worth it.  There is only so much one person can take.  No one if perfect, and that is completely understandable but sometimes you just have to admit that it’s not changing and it’s not working for you.

Life should be enjoyed.  Life should be shared.  Life should be created through love, laughter and experiences shared by those who make us happiest.

Life should not be filled with remorse, pain, dislike, unhappiness and lack of joy.  Life should not be routine and miserable to live.  Life should not bring us down more than it brings us up.

Each of us has our own struggles and strife.  We are unique among ourselves.  We must each figure out the right and the wrong for us, for our own lives and learn to live, to enjoy every moment like it’s our last.

I look back on my life and I see so many of the joyous moments but lately those have been outweighed and outnumbered by all of the unhappy moments.  I was lost.  I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness that was consuming my soul.  I found myself praying daily for God to ease the pain that I was feeling. I found myself wishing at times that my time in this world was done with.

Yet I don’t.  I have my children to watch grow and theirs to come.  I wish for happiness in my life, to be able to live out my days basking in the glory of their beautiful smiles, wrapped in the laughter and joy.

One day I hope to find the man that was made to love me and to be able to share our lives together, along with our children.  As many days as I give up hope, I still have my mustard seed of Faith to carry me through.  I know the things I want in my life and I wish, hope and pray for it all to happen.

Life changes are already in the process but it’s a long road before I am where I need to be.  It’s a long road to find myself again after so much pain has consumed my life for so long.  But I know I will overcome it all to become the best Mom, best friend, best person that I can be.  At this point in time, that’s all I can do and hope for.

God bless,
Dana

Unexpected {Epilepsy Awareness}

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A dear friend of ours passed away on Sunday and it just hits me how quickly things can change.  Her death was unexpected and she left behind a Mother who depends on her daily and a new husband with kids-in-love.  None of which could have imagined they would bury her today.

I’m in shock.  My heart hurts.  She was an Aunt to my own children-in-love, a sister to those I love.

God doesn’t promise us when our lives will end.  God doesn’t promise us tomorrow.  We are given only today, only these moments together until we are called home to the other side of things.

And it strikes me again, how quickly my babies could be gone from me.  How easily these seizures could cause their lives to be gone from here.  They are fragile and seizures are tough.  Their tiny bodies can only handle so much.

I pray for their lives every day.  I pray they will each see another day, here on Earth, here with me.  It’s selfish of me to want them to remain here with me but time is so short.

I want memories and I want snuggles, love from them, shared with them.  I want to embrace them every day.  I want to give them a lifetime of love, that only Mommy can give to them.

Today we have control of the Epilepsy.  Tomorrow, we may not.  I never know when it will hit them, when it will tease me with the risk of their lives being gone.  I never know when and I live in limbo as I wait for it to happen.

I cannot relate with the loss that Mother felt today as she said Goodbye one final time to the baby she spent her life loving. I pray daily I never feel her same pain.  I surely would not handle it nearly so well.

So with a pain-filled heart, I find myself loving my babies a little more, sneaking nighttime peaks when I’m able to ensure they are happy and safe and yes, still breathing.  I rejoice in the morning when they come to say “I love you, Momma”.  And I cherish every moment, every breath, every day that we have together here on Earth before we must part unexpectedly to that next place.