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My Heart, My Soul is Angry {Epilepsy Awareness}

May 1, 2014 by Dana

My heart aches. It’s been a long time since I have blogged anything about our Epilepsy. I have closed it off and tried to ignore it’s existence but this week the Monster has made sure I know he’s there. It’s been a long week and it’s not over yet.

Three seizures in three days for Jackson. Two mild and one very big one that I honestly questioned whether or not it was going to stop. I want to break. I want to cry. I can’t because Jackson needs his Momma strong. Winston, Emmalee and Laycie need their Momma strong.

These seizures are becoming the norm in our family. They were already an integral part but now they are a prominent, daily feature in our life. I hate it. I hate they exist. I hate they happen every day. I want to scream at this monster to just go the hell away, to leave my baby boy alone. I want to scream at God to make them stop.

Sometimes I whisper it — I know He hears my soul pleading.

I beg Him to stop the seizures. I beg Him to heal my babies. I beg Him to just listen, just take it away and make it all stop, to give my sweet baby boy the normal, seizure free life that he deserves. To give my girls the same. He hears me but still we fight this battle to which we have no control over.

I may never know why. I am not meant to understand His logic, His reasoning behind the Monster’s attacks on my family. Sometimes I feel like it’s just a game but I know there must be some purpose, some greater reason that I just cannot see.

My heart, my soul is angry. He knows it and yet He still loves me. That’s the way it is. I try not to be angry and not to take my anger out on Him. Yet, I know God is there – waiting. He’s waiting for me to break, to come to Him so He can heal the hurt and pain that only He can.

He’s waiting for me to share this story, for others who suffer like me. To share it for other’s who watch their babies suffer with this damned disorder daily, just like mine do. I know this is my purpose, yet sometimes I fight it. I don’t wish to be a seizure Momma, yet here I am.

And then the words flow, much as they are tonight. I feel led by God to share, to spill my heart and bare these wounds that haunt me. When I rise, I stand strong again, in Faith, Love and in Grace that is given only by Him.

I am undeserving but oh so thankful for His Grace, for His Love and for every single minute that I am blessed to love my babies on this Earth and beyond. I cannot imagine this world without them, though I know they are only gifted to me for a specific amount of time. I pray it never be cut short, that I am able to outlive them and they live long, seizure free lives. I know that may not happen but I pray it does, like most Momma’s do.

I just want the Monster to stop – to go away and let my babies live happy, long lives full of Love and Faith, to be able to fulfill their dreams and wishes without convulsions and pain. Maybe one day. Until then, I will patiently wait and continue to pray and have Faith. It’s all any Momma can do for her babes.

Someone Who’s Made My Life Worth Living {30 Days of Truth – Day 7}

November 10, 2010 by Dana

Today’s truth: Someone who’s made my life worth living for.

Yet another easy one… my three beautiful children. They are my reason for living. I know God gifted them to me to raise and care for. I’m thankful beyond measure for this gift. Without them, I’m sure I’d have other reasons to live but with them my life is so much better. I barely remember life before them and I certainly would not go back there for anything. Every decision I make, every day I rise, every laugh, smile, and tear comes for them. They truly are my life.

Thankful for Winston {30 Days of Thankfulness – Day 5}

November 5, 2010 by Dana

I’m am beyond thankful for my son, Winston. He is such an inspiration to me and a huge help. He rarely complains about anything asked of him and he does most things with a joyful heart.

When he was born, I was so thrilled to be having a baby but I was disappointed because I really wanted a girl. I knew God had his reasons for giving me this sweet little boy but I did not realize those reasons at that time.

My sweet boy and I had two fun, learning years with just me and him together. He was such a joy in those times, always wanting to be with me and always loving me regardless of my lacking parenting skills.

When he was two, his baby sister was born. I remember when I came home from the hospital, Win had to have a bandaid on his tummy so he could be like Mommy with her incision. He was and still is the most adorable boy.

As his sister and he have grown, they have become best friends. They don’t always get along but they always love one another. Their love for one another also inspires me and thrills my heart.

By the time baby sister, Laycie, came along, Winston was a pro at being a Big Brother. He’s been so helpful with her and loves the time he gets to spend with her when he does help take care of her. She loves him and her sister too.

My boy isn’t perfect by any means. He was a whiner for a long time, whining when he was upset or frustrated. He also has ADHD, though I’ve never had it officially diagnosed. We’ve been able to manage this, along with his sisters’ health, with routines, structure and plenty of rest. Homeschooling helps to provide these things for all three of them. He has days where he’s overwhelmed and frustrated with things but he’s always quick to get over the humps life throws at him.

His spirit is warm and loving. He’s very shy and struggles with school due to ADHD but he always tries hard. He does his work and helps out with a smile most of the time.

I know now why God gifted me this sweet little man first. He has shown me love like no one before him. He has encouraged me to be a better Momma. He increases my faith in the Lord above.

I’m thankful for this boy of mine, for all of his love and encouragement. For his strong, yet meek spirit and his faithful love. He’s proof to me that God really does know what he’s doing.