Everyone keeps asking me how I am today and at this very moment all I want to do is SCREAM.
Honestly, just scream and let it all out.
I have four beautiful, awesome, amazing children who I love to pieces. I’m so thankful to have every one of them. Thankful for the impact they make on my life. Thankful to have the blessing of them to love and cherish daily.
Yesterday, I was the Momma of two children with Epilepsy. In the blink of an eye, I became the Momma of three children with Epilepsy. Three out of four of my babies carry a gene that has caused their brains to shut down in a convulsion.
I sit here letting that sink in. I’m in shock. I’m lost. I don’t even know how to process that information at this time.
For 10 months, I’ve watched Jackson closely for any signs of seizure. I began to breath a little easier as we passed the 4 month mark when his sisters began their journey with Epilepsy. The older he became the easier I began to breath.
Last night, Jackson had his first seizure. It happened around 8 pm while I was out of town. He was with his Grandma. She said she changed his diaper and suddenly he rolled to his side in a ball. His tongue curled, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his little body went limp as he stopped breathing and turned blue. She said it only lasted a minute. He was unresponsive afterwards, then came to again. After a few minutes he went completely limp again.
I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. I was told that as soon as he was brought into the ER, he was rushed back and the nurse and staff all agreed it was a seizure without doubt.
When I arrived at the hospital, Jackson was crawling across the hospital bed like nothing had happened. He had his right arm wrapped into a bandage with an IV but he was smiling and happy as if nothing had gone on. He amazes me. All my children do.
We were sent home with the diagnoses of a seizure and the advice to follow up with our Pediatrician and our Pediatric Neurology team which we have today. His appointment with his Pediatrician was at 1:30 pm today and went wonderfully. He weighs 17.2 lbs and is 29inches long. They immediately called into MUSC Pediatric Neurology and we had a scheduled appointment before we left today.
So far, Jackson continues to do well, though he’s extremely sleepy today. We are letting him play, eat and rest as he pleases. The ER doctors and Pediatrician did not prescribe medications for him simply because they wish to leave that up to the neurologist to do.
I’m feeling numb in so many ways. I want to scream and yet I feel so blessed to have been giving three children with this disorder to care for and love. Does God really think I am capable of handling such a heavy task as this is? He must because it’s here and there’s no one else to do it but their Momma.
I keep thinking that and I keeping thinking he must think me a Saint, a person of strength. But I surely am not feeling that way even though my mustard seed of faith tells me that He is with me and He will carry me and my babies through this. Weak and loved I am today and always. Weak and loved by God himself.