Every November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and every year I share posts about how Epilepsy affects our lives. Epilepsy has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have never experienced a day, a month or a year when it was not a part of my life.
I try to share about Epilepsy in order to help others who suffer from this disorder. I try to share so that other Mothers know they are not alone on this journey. I try to share what I know from my own experiences both of living with Epilepsy and raising children with this disorder to help those who need to know that others feel what they have and do daily.
The truth is though that some days, most days, I simply want to forget this disorder exists. Lately, I find myself not wanting to share, not wanting to provide answers or experiences or thoughts about this disorder. I just want it to all go away.
I hate HATE seeing my baby girls suffer with Epilepsy. I hate worrying and waiting to see if their baby brother, my sweet baby boy, will also have this disorder. I live in fear that I will wake up to find Jackson in the midst of a seizure, as I have his sisters in the past. I don’t want to even think about Epilpesy’s existence in the hopes that if I don’t think about it, it will all just go away.
I know it won’t just disappear. I know it will not go away. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing for that very thing.
I’m a parent to four gorgeous, kind, intelligent children. None of them deserve to have to live with this disorder. None of them deserve to know the helplessness living with Epilepsy evokes. They should be children who don’t have to worry. They shouldn’t know pain or suffering. They should be able to live normal, happy lives without sickness and stress.
I often try to find the blessing in living with Epilepsy but I’m not always able to do that. Some days, I find myself worrying and wishing it away. Lately, I’m having a lot of those days. I know God never gives us more than we can handle but I wonder why we do have to handle so much, especially children who are so young. All I can hope is that there is a purpose and a reason to glorify God in the process.
I am sharing this to show my days aren’t always roses and candy filled when living with this disorder. I have the up and down Momma days, just like everyone else. I worry, I fear and I want things to change but they only will when God is ready to make that happen. Until then all I can do is love the gifts God gave me and help them to live up to his purposes in order to glorify him.